Lesson 22c Inquiring about a shidduch

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Lesson #22b

Please verbalize or
have in mind that you are studying this material as a merit for a specific
single and/or Jewish singles throughout the world.


Inquiring about a


  1. I’m interested in a fellow named Shlomo as a possible shiduch
    for my daughter.  Hitherto, I’ve only heard positive things about him. 
    May I inquire about him, even if it might lead to loshon horah?
  1. Yes you may; since your intention is not to hear negative
    information, but rather, to find out if the fellow is suitable for your
    daughter.  However, it is important to adhere to the following conditions:
    • You must inform the one from whom you are inquiring of the
      reason for your inquiry, for the following 2 reasons.

1.      So that they shouldn’t suspect that you’re seeking to hear loshon

2.      So that the one of whom you are inquiring will share with you the
information for a legitimate reason and thereby not violate the prohibition of
speaking loshon horah.

  • You should not believe negative information that you may hear,
    with certainty but rather, merely suspect that it might be true and as a
    result, proceed with caution.
  • Do not inquire from someone who you know has a disliking
    for Shlomo.  It is very likely that he will lie, or at least exaggerate,
    a shortcoming of Shlomo’s.  In addition, you will cause him to sin; for
    he will certainly not share with you the information for your benefit,
    but rather, out of hatred for Shlomo.


  1. But if I tell this fellow that I’m asking about Shlomo for
    the purpose of a shidduch, I know he won’t be upfront with me and I won’t
    get the information that I need.
  1. Please consider the following 2 points:
    1. Would you sell a Jew non-kosher food in order to make a
      profit?  In other words, just because you stand to gain from the loshon
      horah, doesn’t justify causing your fellow Jew to sin.
    2. It is possible to get the information you want without
      causing the fellow to sin.  Try the following approach:  Call the fellow
      aside and say something along these lines: “My friend, there is something
      I need to ask of you.  Please tell me the truth, without exaggeration,
      and you will not be sinning; since both of our intentions are for a
      legitimate cause.  I promise that I will not reveal to anyone what you’ve
      told me”.  Then go on to explain the matter and why you are asking.  With
      this approach, it is likely that you will obtain the information that you
      are seeking.


This section is
formatted as a conversation between Oded and Menaseh.   Oded is encouraging his
friend Menaseh to be more careful in guarding his tongue from evil speech.  The
thoughts in this section are primarily based on the sefer, Shmiras Haloshon.

Oded:  Another way that the Egyptians would taunt our
forefathers was when they would circumcise their sons the Egyptians would say:
“Why are bothering to circumcise your sons?  In another hour they are going to
be tossed into the river.

Menaseh:  How did Bnei Yisroel respond to that?

Oded:  They said: “We will circumcise and then you
can do as you please to them”.  Similarly, after a marriage when our ancestors
were celebrating Sheva Brachos, the Egyptians would ask: “Why are celebrating
Sheva Brachos?  In a short while the groom will be taken out for backbreaking
labor.   To which Bnei Yisroel would respond: “We will do our Sheva Brachos and
afterwards you may do to us as you please; the ones who die will die, the ones
who will be killed will be killed, and the ones who live will live.”

Menaseh:  That sounds pretty severe.

Oded:  This is what the Egyptians did to our
forefathers, yet, they did not forsake Hashem.  As the posuk in Tehilim states:
“All this has come upon us, yet, we did not forget you (Hashem); we did not
deny your covenant”.

Menaseh:  What are we supposed to glean from this?

Oded:  We must do as our fathers did.  Just as they
stayed loyal to Hashem and did not heed the claims of the Egyptians, even
though by listening to them their suffering could have been lightened; so too,
we must not heed the enticements of our evil inclination but rather cling to
the service of Hashem.  By doing so we will merit the fulfillment of the posuk
in Micha: “As the days you left Egypt (where we witnessed great wonders), I
will show you wonders (In the future as well)”.

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questions regarding these lessons, feel free to contact Rabbi Faivel Adelman clicking here.


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2) Sefer Chofetz Chaim Sec. 1 Chap. 4 Par. 11


Sefer Shmiras Haloshon Section 1 Chasimas HaSefer Chap. 5

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