Lesson 121b

Dedicated l’illuy nishmas

Avigdor Simcha ben Avraham

Lesson #121b

Please verbalize or
have in mind that you are studying this material as a merit for a specific
single and/or Jewish singles throughout the world.


Protecting the suitor
from dowry fraud


  1. I know that the father of the girl is promising a dowry
    which he won’t pay.  May I reveal this to the suitor?
  1. One must be very cautious before revealing such matters to
    the suitor.  There are many conditions that must first be met.  They are
    as follows:

    1. You must carefully weigh whether he indeed can’t or won’t
      make good on his promise and not come to a hasty decision.
    2. You must be certain that the suitor would not be
      interested in the girl without the dowry.  Often, the suitor just wants
      to get the most he possibly can out of the father but has no intention of
      dropping the shidduch if his demands are not met.  If this is the suitor’s
      intention, you may not reveal to him the information.  (Unless, telling
      the suitor, will help him figure out a way to secure the promised
      amount.  All other conditions must be met under these circumstances as
    3. You must ascertain that the suitor is not also deceiving
      the father, otherwise, one negates the other and you may not reveal the
      information to the suitor.

Additionally, all the previously
mentioned conditions must be met (see appendix below).


  1. Is the same true if they are already engaged?
  1. If they are already engaged then you must make sure that
    the choson (groom) will not take matters into his own hands and break the
    engagement but rather merely suspect that what he was told might be true
    and protect himself from being deceived.  Or, if you know that the choson
    won’t take any steps without first consulting with competent halachic
    authorities, then you may reveal it to him as well.  However, all the
    above mentioned conditions must be met.


This section is
formatted as a conversation between Oded and Menaseh.   Oded is encouraging his
friend Menaseh to be more careful in guarding his tongue from evil speech.  The
thoughts in this section are primarily based on the sefer, Shmiras Haloshon.

Menaseh:  You mentioned yesterday that if we follow
in the footsteps of our forefathers we can benefit from their merits.  What do
you mean by that?

Oded:  In almost all our tefilos we’re accustomed to
mentioning the merit of our forefathers.  Though we can hardly hope to grasp,
even slightly, their holy ways let alone follow in their footsteps, if we try with
our limited understanding to grasp their ways and follow to the best of our
ability in their footsteps, their merits will benefit us.  However, if we don’t
even attempt to emulate their ways it is certainly of no benefit to mention
their merit in our tefilos; as a matter of fact it’s disgraceful.

If you have any
questions regarding these lessons, feel free to contact Rabbi Faivel Adelman by
hitting the reply button.


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1) Sefer Chofetz Chaim Sec. 2 Chap. 9
illustrations Par. 8

2) Sefer Chofetz Chaim Sec. 2 Chap. 9 illustrations Par.


Sefer Shmiras Haloshon Sha’ar HaTorah Chap. 8




1.      Do not exaggerate the matter.

2.      Your intentions should be solely to help the individual whom you are
advising and not out of hatred for the other party.

3.      If you can bring about the benefit some other way, without telling
loshon horah, then it is forbidden to tell the loshon horah.

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