Lesson 116

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Lesson #116

Please verbalize or
have in mind that you are studying this material as a merit for a specific
single and/or Jewish singles throughout the world.


Informing one
party of a potential shiduch that the other party is not “slick”


  1. I have a friend who is interested in a fellow who isn’t exactly
    street smart nor learned in the ways of deception.  Is this something that
    I would be permitted to share with her?
  1. The Chofetz Chaim speaks very strongly against the
    practice of one side maligning the other in matters that don’t really have
    substance.  He goes so far as to say that they are causing the multitudes
    to sin.  There is a tendency to speak about people who aren’t street smart
    and describe them as fools or mentally challenged to the extent that
    people wouldn’t want to make a shiduch with them and might even break an existing
    shiduch.  This is a very wrong for a number of reasons:
  • The categorization is generally untrue or exaggerated and
    would therefore be considered motzie shem rah (spreading a bad name), a
    very severe sin.
  • Even if it is 100% true, all the previously mentioned
    conditions (see appendix below) must be met.  It is very rare regarding
    such matters, that all the conditions are fulfilled.
  • Even in a situation where you would be permitted to tell
    the other party, i.e. all the conditions were met, you may only do so
    before the shiduch is made.  Once the shiduch is made, it is forbidden to
    say anything about it, since it is assumed that they accepted him as is for
    whatever reason.


  1. How does such a practice “cause the multitudes to sin”?
  1. When people ridicule those who are not street smart or
    aren’t attuned to the devious ways of some of their peers, they are
    causing people who are otherwise straight and wholesome to become crooked
    and devious.  In order that they shouldn’t be looked down upon by their
    peers, they feel pressure to follow in their conniving ways and gradually
    habit becomes nature.  Our sages teach us that it’s extremely important to
    stay away from such people and not follow in their path.  “It is better to
    be called mentally deficient your entire life than to be considered a
    rosha (evil doer) in the eyes of Hashem, even for only one moment.”


This section is
formatted as a conversation between Oded and Menaseh.   Oded is encouraging his
friend Menaseh to be more careful in guarding his tongue from evil speech.  The
thoughts in this section are primarily based on the sefer, Shmiras Haloshon.

Oded:  Why should we be any different than previous
generations in this matter?

Menaseh:  Different in what matter?

Oded:  Providing our children with a proper Torah

Menaseh:  What did they do in previous generations?

Oded:  They hired a private Rebbi to learn with their
sons and if they were unable to afford that they would send them to yeshiva.

Menaseh:  Did they expect their children to become
great Torah scholars?

Oded:  Not necessarily.  Our sages teach us that for
every 1000 children who enter the Bais Medrash to learn Chumash, one will
emerge as a rabbi who is fit to be a decider of Halacha.

Menaseh:  So what was their intention?

Oded:  If my son will emerge as a great Torah scholar
that would be wonderful.  If not, at least he will know how to learn Gemora or
Mishna or the Aggadah of our sages.  This way when he goes to work, he will
likely set aside time each day to learn or attend a shiur in either Gemora or
Mishna.  And even if his schedule won’t allow for daily learning at least on
Shabbos he will learn some pages of Gemora or Mishna.  Even just that would
make my investment in his Torah education worth it both during my life and for
after I die.

Menaseh:  what do you mean after you die?

Oded:  As we mentioned previously, when a son learns
Torah he saves his father from judgment in Gehinom and/or elevates him in Gan

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1) Sefer Chofetz Chaim Sec. 2 Chap. 9 Illustration
2 Par. 5 and Be’er Mayim Chaim 5

2) Sefer Chofetz Chaim Sec. 2 Chap. 9 Illustration 2
Par. 5


Sefer Shmiras Haloshon Sha’ar HaTorah Chap. 7


1.      Don’t be hasty in arriving at a decision about the nature of the person
or situation but rather deliberate carefully.

2.      Do not exaggerate the matter.

3.      Your intentions should be solely to help the individual whom you are
advising and not out of hatred for the other party.

4.      If you can bring about the benefit some other way, without telling
loshon horah, then it is forbidden to tell the loshon horah.

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